The Modern Dater
Dating in 2025 looks… well, chaotic. Between swiping fatigue, ghosting epidemics, and the endless parade of "situationships," it's easy to feel like the rules of love have completely changed. But here's something that might surprise you: beneath all the noise, the stages of romantic connection haven't shifted all that much.
A recent study led by relationship researcher Brian Ogolsky looked at how young adults experience love, comparing data from college students in 2012 and 2022[1]. Despite everything that's changed in the world - social media, dating apps, our entire understanding of what a "relationship" is - the emotional journey of falling in love has stayed surprisingly consistent.
In This Article
1. Flirtationship: The Spark Before Anything Real
Ah, the dance before the dance. Whether it's playful banter in the DMs or a slow-burning connection with that one friend who always reacts to your stories, we all know this stage. It's full of potential - and confusion.
"One of you has expressed blatant or intended interest. You know you like each other, and this is where it ends if one doesn't reciprocate flirtation." - Study participant, 22
In both 2012 and 2022, the participants described this phase almost identically: spotting mutual interest, tossing out signals, and hoping the other person picks them up. One student put it perfectly: "One of you has expressed blatant or intended interest. You know you like each other, and this is where it ends if one doesn't reciprocate flirtation."
What I find comforting (and kind of romantic) is that even with all our tech - emojis, voice notes, perfectly filtered selfies - this stage is still about reading energy. You're watching for green lights, and maybe sending a few yourself. It's uncertain, exhilarating, and deeply human[2].
2. Relationship Potential: The "Let's See Where This Goes" Stage
This is the part where you're going on actual dates. Maybe you've swapped playlists or shared a few slightly-too-personal late-night texts. You're testing emotional compatibility now - not just if they're cute or funny, but if this could actually work.
Key Indicators You're In The "Relationship Potential" Phase:
- You're making specific plans instead of vague "we should hang out" suggestions
- You're starting to share personal stories you don't tell everyone
- Your friends know about this person (even if you're playing it cool)
- You find yourself thinking about them at random moments during your day
Researchers found that this stage usually involves "getting to know each other better" in person. Think: a mix of dinner dates, spontaneous meetups, and the occasional weekend plan. One participant described it as "meeting and going to places together to learn more about each other."
It's low-key, but high-stakes. You're observing their quirks, noticing how they talk to servers or handle stress. You're picturing them in your life. That's huge.
This is also the stage where many of us self-sabotage - pulling back because it's scary to get attached, or overcommitting out of fear of losing something promising. Your emotional reflexes here are often shaped by your attachment style, whether you're anxiously chasing reassurance or avoiding vulnerability[3]. You don't need to rush, but you do need to be emotionally awake.
3. "In A Relationship": The Official Stage
Here's where the label drops.
"Despite all our talk about situation-ships and non-traditional dating, 85% of Gen Z participants still reported wanting clear relationship definition at some point with a partner they care about." - From Ogolsky's 2022 data
According to the study, this is the phase where people start calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend/partner - and take it seriously. For most, this also marks a shift into exclusivity. Flirting with someone else? That's cheating now. Meeting families, dropping "I love you," merging Netflix accounts - these all start happening here.
What's interesting is that even with the rise of non-traditional relationship structures - open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, relationship anarchy - most people still seek this clarity[4]. Not necessarily for societal approval, but for emotional security.
And honestly? That makes sense. Humans crave structure, especially in matters of the heart. When everything else in life feels uncertain, knowing where you stand with someone can be deeply grounding. This stage also calls for a higher level of emotional intelligence - the ability to navigate conflict with compassion, express needs clearly, and support your partner's growth without losing your own.
4. Commitment (Or Closure)
Here's where the road forks. You've seen each other's messy sides. You've fought. You've dealt with family drama, long days, health scares, work stress. You're no longer infatuated - you're invested[5].
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Making a Commitment:
- Have I seen this person at their worst, and do I still want to be with them?
- Can I communicate openly about difficult topics with this person?
- Do we share fundamental values, even if our interests sometimes differ?
- Can I picture growing and evolving alongside this person?
- Does this relationship bring out the best in me most of the time?
Now comes the hard part: Do you keep building together - or let go?
As one participant said, "You can either accept your partner for who they are or realize you need to break up. You see them for who they are and either still love it or start to hate it."
This isn't just about engagement rings or moving in together. It's about choice. A conscious commitment to weather the hard stuff - or walk away with grace.
And here's something I always tell my clients: no app, no article, no compatibility quiz can make that decision for you. But understanding these stages helps you recognize when it's time to deepen the connection - or when to cut your losses.
Final Thoughts
What this research shows us - what real people are still experiencing - is that the human blueprint for love hasn't really changed. Technology might alter the tools, but not the feelings.
Every successful relationship passes through these phases, but the timing varies dramatically. Some people spend months in the flirtationship phase, while others move quickly into relationship potential. There's no "right" timeline - only what feels right for the two people involved.
You're not alone in this.
Want to explore these phases in your own love life? Sign up for our newsletter and get weekly strategies based on real psychology, not Instagram therapy speak.
Because dating may be complicated, but it doesn't have to be confusing.
Reader Stories
"I spent two years in the 'flirtationship' phase with the same people - always exciting at first, but never progressing. Recognizing this pattern helped me change my approach. With my now-fiancé, I was intentional about moving through the phases and communicating clearly about what I wanted. The difference was life-changing."
"I used to rush into the 'official relationship' stage without spending enough time in the 'relationship potential' phase. Understanding these phases helped me recognize that I was skipping crucial compatibility testing. Now I'm taking things slower with someone I'm genuinely excited about - and it feels much more solid."
Frequently Asked Questions: Modern Dating Phases
What are the four phases of modern dating?
The four phases of modern dating are: 1) Flirtationship - the initial stage of mutual interest and playful interaction, 2) Relationship Potential - where you're actively dating and exploring compatibility, 3) Official Relationship - when you've committed to being exclusive partners, and 4) Commitment - the stage where you decide to build a long-term future together or part ways. These phases represent the natural progression of romantic connection, though the timing and experience of each phase varies for every couple. Understanding these phases helps you navigate your dating journey with more clarity and confidence.
How long should each dating phase last?
There's no universal timeline for dating phases - they vary widely based on individuals, circumstances, and relationship dynamics. Some connections move quickly through the flirtationship phase in weeks, while others might take months. Research shows that relationships that progress too quickly can sometimes miss important compatibility testing, while those that stagnate in early phases may indicate hesitation or incompatibility. The best approach is to progress naturally while regularly checking in with yourself about whether your emotional needs are being met.
How do I know if we're stuck in a situationship?
A situationship typically occurs when you're stuck between the "relationship potential" and "official relationship" phases for an extended period. Key indicators include: inconsistent communication patterns, reluctance to make future plans, avoiding labels after several months of dating, keeping the relationship private from friends and family, and one or both people avoiding discussions about relationship expectations. If you've been seeing someone for 3+ months and still don't know where you stand, it might be time for a direct conversation about what you both want.
Is it normal to skip phases in modern dating?
While some relationships may appear to skip phases, most successful connections actually move through all four phases, just at different speeds. What looks like "skipping" is often just a condensed timeline. For example, some couples might move from flirtationship to relationship potential very quickly due to intense chemistry or prior friendship. However, research suggests that each phase serves important relationship-building functions, and completely bypassing any phase (particularly relationship potential) may correlate with higher rates of conflict later on. The key is ensuring both partners are moving at a pace that feels comfortable.
References
- Ogolsky, B., & Monk, J. K. (2022). Relationship development in the digital age: A comparative analysis of courtship patterns among college students, 2012-2022. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
- Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2018). The psychology of relationship initiation: Attraction, first impressions, and early relationship development. In A. L. Vangelisti & D. Perlman (Eds.), The Cambridge handbook of personal relationships (pp. 169-184). Cambridge University Press.
- Harris, M. A., & Orth, U. (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(6), 1459-1477.
- Timmermans, E., & Courtois, C. (2021). From swiping to casual sex and/or committed relationships: Exploring the experiences of Tinder users. The Information Society, 34(2), 59-70.
- Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2019). Commitment in romantic relationships: The role of dedication and constraints. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 84-88.
